InsaneJournal

The Stories That Never Happened, Habeus Corpus
So, while cleaning out my "scraps" folder this afternoon (and completely not procrastinating working on The Huge Snack Fic That Refuses To End), of course I couldn't resist opening some of the files and admiring my own brilliance (which in no way resembles laughing at myself for some of these ideas). So I thought that since I was feeling a bit sadistic, and amused, who better to subject to my ridiculous plots than my loving friends list?

Therefore, I present to you...


Habeus Corpus
So, I actually really wanted this one to work, because what could possibly be better than older!Severus having it off with younger!Severus? Unfortunately, the universe just wasn't designed to deal with the idea of two Severii co-habitating in the same place at the same time, especially when there's sex involved, so the project got dumped.

In really bad form, it opens with a bunch of exposition, where Severus is like, "OMG am I ded?!" and promptly decides he isn't, because he has legs, and everyone knows dead people don't have legs. So while he's musing the improbility of a dead person having legs, which bloody hurt by the way, he's also thinking about what a complete noob Potter is and how it's all Potter's fault that he's not-dead-but-not-sure-where-he-is-and-why-do-his-legs-hurt-so-much. Then there's some more inner dialogue (read: info dumping) about the modified apparation spell that Severus cast during the final battle, which interacted with the time reversal spell Potter cast at the same time, because he's pretty much the dumbest person ever and the author sucks at original plot devices.

Eventually, Severus wakes up, and...

“Can you hear me?”

“Yes I can bloody well hear you,” Severus snapped as a strangely familiar voice broke through the darkness that had seeped into the edges of his consciousness. How long had he been asleep? The pain in his right leg was still there, more manageable now but still a constant aching presence to accompany the dull throbbing in his head.

“Ah, Professor Snape, how gracious of you to join us,” that voice said in a droll tone. It was obviously a man who had woken Severus from his pain-induced faint, but he could not quite place that infuriatingly familiar voice. “I must admit that it is somewhat gratifying to know that my temper seems to be in proper working order.”

“Kindly stop shrieking in my ear like a banshee,” Severus growled, struggling to open his eyes, “And if you are absolutely intent upon disturbing me, then I must insist that you do so in a way that does not involve inane babbling.”

“Hm, disappointingly unoriginal, however,” the voice murmured, and a chill ran down the length of Severus’ aching spine. “I must have lost my talent for cutting remarks in my old age.”

All but trembling under the weight of his apprehension, Severus opened his eyes, squinting up at the dark figure that loomed above him. It took a moment for the other man’s face to come into focus, but when it did, Severus made a sound that may very well have been a quiet scream. Sharp features softened by youth, thin lips turned upward in an unamused smirk, curtain of black hair falling down into glittering black eyes-

“I see our powers of observation continue to serve us well,” he said.

Severus fainted.

When he's done acting like a girl, he wakes up again, and then this happens...

“Tell me, Professor Snape, are these fainting spells of ours a common occurrence, or is it typically reserved for special occasions? I would very much like to be forewarned of any such mental frailty in my future, as I would prefer to casting the killing curse on myself before ever reaching such a state.”

Severus lay as still as his restless mind would allow, concentrating on his breathing and desperately hoping that the voice that had once again ripped him out of the peace of ignorant slumber was merely a figment of his distressed imagination.

“Have we always been this infuriatingly stubborn, or has your little ordeal terrorized you so that you are incapable of speech? Really, Severus, you are acting like a coward.”

Severus’ eyes shot open to glare at the young man who hovered above him, carefully restraining the urge to wince as that dark gaze met his. “Don’t call me a coward,” he growled, ignoring the throbbing pain in his leg as he struggled to sit up.

“Finally coming to terms with our situation, are we?” his younger self asked dryly, one eyebrow arched in a way that grated across every one of the professor’s overwrought nerves.

“Only I would be capable of annoying myself so thoroughly,” Severus snapped, falling back against the pillows with a scowl.

Then they have that "You're hot, but you're me and that's kind of creepy, and how old are you, and does it even count as statutory rape if you're me?" conversation that, you know, everyone has when they wake up and their twenty-three-year-old self is feeling them up. And okay, so he was just rubbing salve on the wound, but it felt bloody brilliant. So they spend the next couple of days trying to figure out what happened, and since everyone knows that magical accidents always lead to unresolved sexual tension, they eventually end up bickering (which is Severus for foreplay) at a holiday party.

Younger Severus flounces off, because he's pretty much a complete ponce, and older Severus obviously isn's jealous in the least, because who'd shag him at twenty-three anyway, and besides, younger Severus is a total prat, and what the fuck does Yaxley think he's doing, looking at him like that? Ignoring the obvious squick of watching himself be eyed up by Yaxley, Severus does what he always does, and swoops in to rescue his younger self from lecherous Death Eaters. That leads to a fight because older!Severus is yelling at younger!Severus about not following the Dark Lord and younger!Severus is like 'WTF are you talking about old man?!' because *cue dramatic music* older!Severus isn't just back in time, he's in another dimension! (Has it been mentioned that the author really sucks at original plot devices?)

Then there's some angst, followed by some shagging, and then some more angst when younger!Severus figures out how to send older!Severus back to his own time/dimension, and then even more shagging. Then there's- you guessed it- more angst and some moping Byronic hero shit when Severus gets back and the war's over, and Draco's safe, and Potter won, and who the fuck cares because black raven wings carry his despair past empty fields of joyless sorrow to lands of eternal darkness. Thankfully, he stops just short of listening to Good Charlotte and cutting himself in the bathtub.

Oh, but wait! Who's that in his bedroom?! Could it be...?! Why yes, it is younger!Severus, who was of course the one who planted the parchment with the spell Severus used in that old book he conveniently hadn't read since he was twenty-three so he could find it later and be transported back in time to fall in love with himself (and let's just conveniently ignore the whole interdimensional plot hole that would put JKR to shame).

They lived happily ever after. The end.