InsaneJournal

The Stories That Never Happened, Romeo and The Shrew

Really wanted this one to work too, but it's been about six months now, and I haven't touched it since the day I started writing it. Snucius versus Shakespeare.

Severus is pissed at Lucius for something, probably for being a pretentious prat, but Lucius is trying to get him to listen to reason (or his version of it, otherwise known as Malfoy Logic, which doesn't really resemble Normal People Logic).

(Malfoy Manor. A party. The walls are hung with banners celebrating Lucius Malfoy’s ministerial campaign, and several important looking government officials are milling about the room. Severus stands near the wall, eyeing his fellow guests as Lucius approaches.)

LUCIUS: Pause, dear friend, but for a moment.

SEVERUS: A moment wrought in iron treachery and tempered with venom.

LUCIUS: Neither treachery nor venom, pray, but honey and wine.

SEVERUS: No better honey nor wine from your lips, dear friend.

LUCIUS: Your wit serves you, but has not graced these halls for many a fortnight- long since the eve whereupon lambs feasted on wolves.

(Enter Narcissa)

NARCISSA: Pray, fair lords, what discord disturbs the walls of this most ancient abode?

LUCIUS: By grace, dear lady, it is scorned penitence that moves jesters to seek solace in your most noble court.

SEVERUS: Jesters and wolves alike, but one no far removed from the other so as to sway reason.

NARCISSA: The wolves do circle, beloved ally- see how their eyes gleam feral in the light of propriety, their pelts bedecked in jewels to conceal fur matted with lies and dripping with pretense.

(All three cast cautious glances over those in attendance)

SEVERUS: This fallen lord shall not be relegated to the ranks of unjust villains, so long as the streaming rays of reason do behold a windswept battlefield whereupon lie the remains of those slaughtered in the name of our Lord Dumbledore- a name which once lay as poison upon your lips.

NARCISSA: Make still your tongue, and seek ye out a barren place in which to continue your righteous discourse against my house.

SEVERUS: Against your house, dear lady? Nay, against the deceit contained therein, hidden below a fine countenance of silver and grey.

So the boys run away to be pretentious in private, have a Hamlet vs. Ophelia type argument, and Severus leaves. Lucius doesn't talk about noble minds being o'erthrown, but he does spend awhile moping because Severus doesn't put out anymore. Eventually, he decides that since Severus is being such a girl, he's going to have to do some wooing if he ever wants to get laid again- because let's face it, Cissa's got a nice rack, but girls are icky.

There's a kind of Romeo et Juliet balcony scene, but Severus is decidedly Not Impressed, and ends up flinging stuff at Lucius' head. Lucius is like 'You're going to give me a concussion!' and Severus is like 'It wouldn't make any difference!' and Lucius storms off to sulk.

Then Draco decides to get involved, because he's a nosey little wretch and, quite frankly, tired of listening to his father mope and whine, and if Lucius plays that sodding A.F.I. song about the flowers being gone just one more time, Draco's going to go crazy and do something horrible like shoot himself in the face or kiss Granger. So he drops by Severus' house while Severus is taking a shower, and there's that oops-I-just-saw-you-naked scene that's absolutely necessary for any sitcom, except this is supposed to be imitating high literature, so it's more like verily-I-just-happened-upon-thy-naked-manhood. They talk and Draco eventually convinces Severus to listen to what Lucius has to say, because Lucius just really needs to get laid already.

Cue another bickering-as-foreplay session between Severus and Lucius, which ends with some good old Shakespearean shagging against a wall, and a conversation during the afterglow about how Severus is still mad at Lucius, and this was only a one time thi- oh, do that with your hand again.

And they lived happily ever after. The end.