Ladies and gentlemen, a word.

Imagine the following scene, if you will, and tell me: are they? Do not fret, gentle readers, that you know neither the meaning nor answer to that question. All will be made clear in time, and you, once so informed, will hold in your hand the key to the inquiry.

Shall we begin?

( Imagine this. )

Yuki: Umph- Shuichi, get off me, you idiot. You're heavy.
Shuichi: (with a trembling lip) Sorry, Yuki.
Yuki: (with an eye roll) Don't you dare start crying again.
Draco: Uh, excuse me, but who the hell are you and why did you just land in our sitting room?
Severus: (leveling his wand between Yuki's eyes) Stand back, Draco. They're obviously servants of the Dark Lord.
Shuichi: (wide-eyed) Yuki, what's he doing with that stick?
Draco: (rolling his eyes and forcing Severus to lower his wand) The Dark Lord was afraid of Japanese people, Severus.
Yuki: (sneering) Now we can't be Dark Lords because we're Japanese?
Shuichi: (still wide-eyed) Yuki, what's a Dark Lord?
Yuki: Shut up, Shu.
Severus: (huffing indignantly) Even so, they're obviously up to no good. Look there, that one is clearly a metamorphmagus.
Draco: (narrowing his eyes at Shuichi) Are you a metamorphmagus?
Shuichi: (obviously confused) Wha-?
Draco: Your hair, you imbecile.
Shuichi: Oh, uhm, no, I use some stuff I found at the department store.
Draco: (blinking) What's a department store?
Severus: (narrows his eyes at the boys before turning his glare on Yuki)
Yuki: (glares right back)
Severus: Clearly, there is something amiss here.
Yuki: You're just now figuring that out?
Severus: (crossing his arms over his chest) What were you doing before you fell-- unannounced, I might add-- into my sitting room?
Draco: Our sitting room.
Shuichi: (looks back and forth between everyone, obviously still confused)
Yuki: I was sitting at my desk, writing, and the brat was bothering me about dinner.
Shuichi: (whining) Yukiiiii! Don't call me a brat in front of other people.
Yuki: Shut up.
Shuichi: (muttering) You're so mean.
Severus: I see. What, may I ask, were you writing?
Yuki: (looking unaccountably embarrassed) Just a- a short story, to sort of- that is, I had writer's block, and-
Shuichi: (looking unaccountably devious) He was writing me a bedtime story.
Draco: (sighing) Merlin's balls.
Shuichi: (wide-eyed again) What? Is everything okay?
Severus: (dryly) That remains to be seen. However, I believe I know what-- or who-- brought you here.
Yuki: What do you mean, who?
Severus: Nishizono Shinji! You have exactly five seconds to-
Nishizono: (appears, looking out of breath) Hey Professor, what's the- oh.
Severus: Yes, oh. Journalius Cutiliosa.

( Cutiliosa Indeed )

Severus: (Sulks)
Nishizono: Oh come on, Professor, that subject line deserves at least a derisive snort.
Severus: (Glares and returns to sulking)
Nishizono: (Rolling her eyes) Honestly, you're being impossible.
Lucius: (Wanders in, looking exhausted) How is he?
Nishizono: Still sulking.
Severus: I am not sulking.
Lucius: (Ignoring the sulky potions master) It could be worse, of course. Draco is still hysterical.
Draco: (Runs in, wild-eyed and with his hair standing up in every direction) I am not hysterical. We could have been killed, Father! The ground split open beneath me, and was about to swallow me whole!
Nishizono: That only happens in movies, Draco... Or in some of the stories I write.
Lucius: (Narrows his eyes at the suddenly glazed, faraway expression on Nishizono's face) This is not an appropriate time to be siezed by an idea for a story, Miss Shinji.
Nishizono: (Shakes her head slightly, looking surprised to see everyone there) Wha-? Oh, yes, right.
Draco: (Puts his hands on his hips and stomps a bit, looking petulant) Excuse me, but I am in mortal peril here. I could have died last night, and then where would the world be? Decidedly lacking in gorgeousness, that's where.
Nishizono: (Ignoring the brat) Professor? Would a cup of tea make you feel better?
Severus: No.
Nishizono: A story, maybe? I could set you up with Lucius at a masquerade ball and have him blow you against a-
Severus: No! Now, kindly bugger off.
Lucius: (Suddenly very interested in the conversation) Now, let's not be hasty, Severus.
Draco: Mortal. Peril.
Nishizono: Oh for the love of- Draco, shut up. Lucius, stop molesting Severus while we have company. Professor, if you're determined to be an insufferable git, at least tell us what's bothering you.
Severus: (Glaring) Journalius Cutiliosa.

( Cutiliosa )

...or Why Nishi Should Never Be Left Alone In A House For More Than One Day At A Time.

(doorbell rings)

Nishizono: What the hell? Who'd be ringing the doorbell at 8:30 at night?
Draco: I bet it's a serial killer.
Nishizono: ...a serial killer.
Severus: Serial killers don't ring doorbells, Draco.
Draco: Maybe that's exactly what this one's counting on!
Nishizono: Will the two of you please be quiet while I answer the door?
Draco: At least take a gun with you!
Severus: We don't own a gun.
Draco: A butcher knife, then!
Nishizono: And just how do you propose I'd explain that to the police, that I brandished a weapon at a salesman?
Draco: What if it's not a salesman, though?
Severus: Oh for Merlin's sake, it is not a serial killer, Draco.
Nishizono: Be quiet! I'm opening the door now.
Draco: (whispering) It's a serial killer, just you watch.

(door opens)
(next door neighbor smiles pleasantly)

Neighbor: I just thought I'd let you know that your car window is down and it looks like it might rain.
Nishizono: Oh, thank you!

(polite conversation)
(door closes)

Draco: Lock it! He's going to come back and peel your face off with a-
Nishizono and Severus: (in unison) Shut up, Draco!

Nishizono: ...
Lucius: (Eyes narrowed suspiciously) What was that?
Nishizono: What?
Lucius: (Still suspicious) Those dots.
Severus: (Haughtily) I believe that is a visual representation of sulking, as we are all well aware that Miss Shinji is by no means capable of speechlessness.
Nishizono: (Obviously sulking) I am not sulking.
Lucius: Yes, you are. Now, tell Uncle Lucius what the problem is.
Nishizono: (Still sulking) Look, you facetious bastard, I am not sulking.
Severus: Obviously not, if that protruding lower lip is any indication of 'not sulking'.
Nishizono: (Sighing) You're both going to be unbearable until I talk about it, aren't you?
Lucius: Severus will be unbearable either way- but yes.
Severus: (Grumbling) Arrogant bastard.
Lucius: Menace.
Nishizono: Enough! The last thing I need right now is to deal with another of your epic rows.
Severus: Then perhaps you might tell us why you are forcing us to suffer through your sulking?
Nishizono: You mean other than the fact that the whole lot of you are being uncooperative bastards?
Draco: (From somewhere in the background) I am not being uncooperative!
Lucius: What- When did you get here, Draco?
Draco: (Looking around in confusion) Oh. Well. I'm not entirely certain, to be honest, Father.
Lucius: (Sharply) Draco, Malfoys are never uncertain nor hesitant. We merely bide our time whilst deliberating.
Draco: (Chastised) Yes, Father.
Harry: (Wandering in with his hands stuffed in his pockets) Oh, hey guys, what's going on?
Severus: Oh, for Merlin's sake.
Draco: Oh, hello Harry. We're not really sure- That is, we're biding our time while we wait for Nishizono to tell us.
Severus: Yes, about that, would you care to explain why you've summoned this audience, Your Holiness?
Nishizono: If the four of you would shut up and let me think for a minute!
(Silence)
Nishizono: Done? Alright then. Journalius Cutiliosa.

( Cutiliosa )

Severus: ...so I gave Longbottom detention, and- Nishizono Shinji!
Nishizono: (Startled) Yes, Professor Snape?
Severus: (Crossing his arms with an arched eyebrow) What, precisely, do you think you're doing?
Nishizono: (Innocently) Just writing, the same as I do every night.
Lucius: (Peering over Nishizono's shoulder) That doesn't look like your usual "every night" to me.
Nishizono: Yes, well, I thought I would try something different.
Lucius: (Eyes growing wide as he reads) That's not different, that's disgusting!
Severus: (Pushing Nishizono aside to stare at the monitor) What in Merlin's name are you two on about?
(Silence)
Severus: This is rather good, actually.
Lucius: WHAT?! (<- CapsLockOfRage!Lucius)
Nishizono: Thank you, I thought so too.
Lucius: WHAT?! (<- More CapsLockOfRage!Lucius)
Severus: I must deny these allegations in paragraph four, however. I have never used the term "wretched cunt" or requested that anyone "beg for my half-blood cock."
Lucius: WHAT?! I didn't even see that part!
Nishizono: Oh, it's right here after you finish licking Professor Snape's boots.
Lucius: (Spluttering) But I- No- Is that a riding crop?!
Severus: (Calmly) It would appear as such, yes.
Lucius: No.
Nishizono and Severus in unison: No?
Lucius: You heard me, I said no. I will not allow this sort of deceitful rubbish to be released into the wild, and don't even think of putting that riding crop where I know you intend to put it.
Severus: (Smirking as Lucius gives a startled squeak) Here, you mean?
Lucius: (Batting Severus away with fury gleaming in his eyes and a dark blush on his cheeks) Yes, there!
Nishizono: Yes?
Lucius: NO!
Severus: (Still smirking) Honestly, Lucius, it isn't all that bad. Look, it even says here in paragraph nine that you love having the sole of my boot grinding into your-
Lucius: SHUT UP! Shut up, Severus, or so help me, I will Crucio you into next week.
Nishizono: Actually, that's not really an option at this point, as your wand is uhm- otherwise occupied.
Lucius: (Groaning) No. No, no, no- Don't tell me. I just- I don't want to know.
Severus: Are you certain? It would seem that you rather enjoy having a wand in your-
Lucius: Stop! Please, just stop. Salazar, I think I may be ill.
Nishizono: (Arching an eyebrow a la Severus) Wow, you're even kinkier than I thought.
Lucius: That is not what I meant, you wretched muggle girl.
Severus: (Thoroughly amused) Is that anything like a "wretched cunt"?
Nishizono: Probably more like a "filthy whore", I think.
Lucius: Please shut up, both of you.
Severus: Well, it would seem that you have the begging perfected, at least.